Fairytales...Fact or Fiction?

Do I have to be Cinderella to believe in the fairytale?

I can certainly be enveloped in the web of fantasy being woven, but then reality always comes a knockin' and brings me to my senses. Must I ignore all sense of logic and reality to allow myself to be swept away or can I find a balance?

My depiction of a balanced love - one part fantasy, one part reality

I suppose that my life just isn't built to nurture an environment conductive for romance and the like. Perhaps I'm just not hardwired to accept it....or maybe it is simply my unique - I say unique rather than odd to make me feel less inferior - flow of emotion, or lack thereof.

Although significant others in my past have accused me of being "emotionally unavailable" - one went so far as to use the term "emotionally bankrupt" - that is simply not true. These statements confused me really because I have an entire gamet of emotion. I know this, because I feel them. My emotions are unique so much as how I express them (or do not as the case may be).

The Best Friend and I agree that I must have a small "Y" chromosome hanging out in my DNA. I am convinced at times that I would have done better as a male, socially speaking.

In my experience men are really bad at controlling their emotions. Me? I cry upwards of 4 times annually. I've seen men that cry frequently and put me to shame, which is supposed to be a female trait. We females are supposed to be the emotional gender. The emotional men that I've known only make me feel less like a female. Or what we think a female should be like.

I actually asked a few female friends if they could teach me to be more feminine. I asked for girl lessons, begging "Please, teach me how to be a girl." They laugh because 95% of what comes out of my mouth is a joke...but there is almost always truth to joking. Maybe the fantasy just can't happen to a lady that doesn't act like one. I never thought I'd say this, but I am sick of being just one of the guys.

For instance, I had (have still, let's just be honest in the quest to better ourselves) a huge crush on a friend of mine. He's so used to me being as I am that whenever he introduces me to another friend of his and they slip up and say something that should not be laid upon the ears of a lady and they try to apologize - he stops them to say "Oh, no. You don't have to worry about offending her, she's just like a guy so it's cool."

I don't really want to be "cool" anymore, dammit.

I want to be swept off of my feet - if that is possible. I want to feel the earth move below me - I've heard it talked about. Must I re-invent myself to have that possibility? Am I lying to myself when I say that the right guy will come along and see the better part of me on his own? That he will want me badly enough to find it, see it and love me because of or in spite of it. Is my "Love me, love all of me" philosophy unattainable?

I don't consider myself jaded. I don't place any past experience blame on someone new. I'm actually a very tolerant (in the true definition of the word) and open person. I think that I may have meant it at one time, but now I'm just trying to convince myself that finding someone to share my life with, finding someone to - dare I say it - love is last on my priority list. It somehow creeped up to the list when I wasn't paying attention.

I know I have work to do to be the person that I want to be. I will take it all one step at a time. I won't see emotion as weakness. A friend told me today that your tears do not diminish your strength and I will try to rewire myself to believe that.

Although I'm not quite sure yet that I believe in the fairy tale, I recognize what it is and I am open to allowing myself to believe in the possibility that it does exist  - And that is a pretty good place to start.